Things did seem exciting, and now they don’t. (day 7)
Life seems very mundane. The prospect of today and even this week is very unexciting. This could be like an anticlimax feeling. (day 8)
Something about being less in awe of people. I’ve been a bit scared of. A at work until this week. It is as if I now see them with their faults as well, a more true picture, rather than holding them up as something special. I don’t feel they’re better than me anymore, and I don’t think I mind what they think of me (at least not so much!). (day 8)
It’s confusing trying to explain things. Everything gets mixed up. (day 8)
I can still only think about one thing at a time. (day 9)
I felt more empathy with the refugees (Kosovo) on the news. Normally I manage to remain at a distance. (day 9)
Time doesn’t feel quite right still. Hard to say how and why. (day 10)
At teatime K (daughter) asked if this remedy has affected my memory. She said I keep saying ‘I can’t remember’. (day 11)
P (partner) had an interview in Huddersfield today. I didn’t even think about it at all, about the consequences of him getting it or otherwise. This is very unusual. (day 11)
Time is still strange. I’m not aware of the past or future. (day 11)
It’s an effort to think about it. It doesn’t seem like Friday. It doesn’t seem like any day particularly. (day 11)
I felt really calm lying in bed watching the sky and the tree outside. (day 12)
I had to think hard to plan this morning – it was less automatic than usual. (day 12)
I went to a meeting over a weekend with Woodcraft Folk in Derbyshire. When I got home it felt really as if I had not been there. It was very strange. (day 13)
Felt very antisocial, but phone kept ringing at work and I had to communicate.
Time strange – it felt a lifetime since the last college weekend. I could hardly believe I’d only been doing the proving for 2 weeks. Time so slow.
I didn’t want to have to talk to my supervisor (I didn’t really want to talk to anyone). I certainly didn’t want to talk about myself. (day 14)
The future is returning and I don’t like it. It looks gloomy, I’m not looking forward to things. Unenthusiastic about everything. (day 15)
Felt really lonely, quite sad really, as if I hadn’t seen anybody at all for weeks, and that I had nobody to talk to. (day 16)
Morning went really fast, maybe because the last few days have gone slowly. (day 17)
I’m apprehensive about seeing my mother – worried I might have a massive argument. (day 17)
Things felt strange, as if I wasn’t here, as if things weren’t real. I didn’t feel like I was me. (day 18)
Very nervous about visiting my parents. Feels REALLY strange, I don’t feel like I’m here at all. It all feels alien, doesn’t seem real. (day 19)
Felt detached, felt nothing – about a building on a field where I used to look after a pony. I thought it was sad, but I felt nothing. Normally feel nostalgic. Don’t have any attachment. It is very odd. (day 19)
It felt a long time since I last went there. (day 19)
Antisocial, don’t feel like talking to anyone. (day 19)
I wasn’t really here this morning. I started to enjoy it after lunch, I realised it had changed. Definitely > eating – it felt more real then. (day 20)
I thought ‘familiar things feel strange’ – as if I hadn’t been here for a very long time. (day 20)
Feel isolated and in my own world. (day 20)
Still very detached from surroundings. (day 21)
A feeling – really weird to think the woods were there even when there was nobody there. (I don’t usually think things like this!). There was some element of unreality.
Everything seems terribly confused – time and place. Nothing seems real. I don’t know where I am. I feel like I’m in a daze. (day 21)
The proving all seems very distant now, which fits because things seemed very distant during it. (day 28)
K (daughter) made a newspaper with a missing children section, and invented a person called Melissa Assilem. Today the real one came to college. That’s quite strange. (day 28)
Giggly in morning. (day 29)
Disconnected from everything. (day 29)
Terrible. Feeling of proving repeating itself. Wanted to cry, couldn’t all day. Finally cried 5 pm – felt >> for doing so (very unusual). (day 30)
Feels like parallel to week 1 of proving, though less extreme. (day 30)
Car crashes – coincidence (saw 2). (day 30)
Things are awful. Deep sadness all the time. Everything anyone says is getting at me. They’re all rejecting me, I’m totally alone, I can’t shake this off. I want to argue with everyone or not speak at all.
I don’t want things to go on like this. The enjoyment of everything has gone. What is the point? I don’t want to do anything. There is nothing I would like to do. I want to run away, escape, curl up. SAD.
I am no good at anything. Life isn’t worth living. I used to be happy, I’m not now. A lot of things make me want to cry. I don’t want to talk to anyone (but I do as well). I want to change everything about me, I don’t like me at all. (days 31-35)
Repeating every 28 days. Everything is repeating. A remedy for manic depression?! Things today feel great. One extreme to the other. (day 36)
I woke up in a really horrible mood. I want to be nasty to everyone. I want to be alone. I don’t want to do anything. Very sudden onset. Mood > through the day. (day 40)
Within a few seconds of taking first tablet I felt apprehension and slight fear. (1st hour)
I’m surprised at the apprehension I feel. It is quite extraordinary that from feeling happy and relaxed now feel tingling with fear. (after 6 hours)
Feel fearful and apprehensive as if something bad is going to happen. Jack (husband) has already shouted at me for doing this proving. Certainly I haven’t answered back because I don’t want an argument. (day 1)
Feel harder, stronger and less guilty than I’d be normally. Aloof. (day 1)
Feeling quite sad, thinking of Kosovo, and people have been killed. Light-hearted mood gone. (day 1)
I feel anxious. Suddenly my motivation has gone. (day 1)
Feeling dread. (day 1)
Slowness and inertia. Thoughts turned to hell and hell-fire and judgement. Still fearful. Want to escape. (day 1)
Harder and stronger. Uplifted and more emotional than recently. Aloof, sense of distance. Hard and unkind. (day 1)
Husband avoiding me, although the family all had lunch together. I had done the shopping alone and had been to church and enjoyed the spiritual atmosphere and I felt uplifted and more emotional than I have recently been. Though still a sense of distance and aloofness [comment: she feels it was like isolation], I tried to become more involved but I kept drifting away. My mind is much clearer and sharper. I felt I must do the ironing and purposely not iron my husband’s clothes. Rather hard and unkind of me. (day 1)
Feeling calm and clear. (day 1)
Mentally clear and bright, but not on top of world because of work and cold. (day 1)
Got up feeling normal. My husband was furious about my wish to go to church. My reaction was to withdraw, ignore him and think ‘stuff the family! If they want to go without god, I don’t care.’ I felt emotionally colder and less guilty than I would have normally felt. This was more an aloof, couldn’t-care-less feeling. I felt stronger and harder than usual. (day 2)
Busy, rushing around, feeling tired and frayed round the edges. I’ve had to push myself to work hard today. I’ve done everything, but it’s been an effort.
Feeling angry at getting a cold. I don’t want to have a cold, especially as I can’t take my usual cold remedies because of the proving. Angry because I have to work despite cold. (day 2)
After sleep, anxiety and fear seem to be settling. A faraway feeling, then felt more inertia, weighed down and heavy. (day 2)
Feeling brighter, less tired. (day 2)
Everything is taking twice as long to do, I’m not getting anywhere very fast. Such a lot of inertia. (day 3)
Light-hearted and feeling good. I felt I was dancing in my mind, very euphoric, plenty of energy, rearing to go. (day 3)
Mood good. I’d been feeling sorry for myself because of cold but energy is good in the morning, flagging towards afternoon 5pm. (day 3)
Seeing in my imagination flashes of flames and fire. Funny, as there was a mild, white haze over the fields today as I drove to work. Where does the fire come from? It was coming to me unconsciously. (day 4)
Later, had plenty more energy to do paperwork. Mood seems to have been see-sawing from feeling light-hearted and feeling low and sorry for myself. Despite heavy workload feeling spiritually sustained to keep helping and caring. (day 5)
I’m feeling ‘bloody’, my headache has got worse. I’m feeling slightly angry and frustrated because I can’t take an aspirin for my headache. I feel really sorry for myself. I feel I’m a bit of a hypochondriac at the moment, I hate feeling rotten for so long [not usually an hypochondriac]. I’m frustrated, I can’t get on top of this cold. (day 5)
I woke feeling subdued because of my cold. I feel slow and heavy and a bit down. (day 5)
Have felt more determined to sort out my cases, my regular exercise. This is the first time for ages I’ve wanted to go on a long walk. (day 6)
I feel mildly annoyed that the plasterer has not arrived to do the ceiling. (day 6)
I feel strong and resolute and will make a good start on my own cases and on my chores. (day 6)
All anxiety and apprehension have gone. (day 6)
Busy doing my accounts and homoeopathy, shaking off my inertia and lethargy. (day 7)
I feel quite positive. (day 7)
I do feel I’ve had a push, an impetus to get started with this remedy. There has been an inertia in my life especially over the last 6 months since my mother died. I feel I’m moving on now, a gathering of momentum, whereas before everything I did was an effort.
I certainly feel very good. (day 7)
I feel good and positive. Driving towards Hazel Grove, she suddenly had a strange experience. She seemed to see flames over the Derbyshire hills, as if there was a volcano there. Then when she arrived at church, the hymn was all about the fire of the Holy Spirit setting the human heart alight. I feel on top of the world and full of energy. (day 8)
Went to the garden centre and bought bedding plants for patio pots. Spent the afternoon planting pots up in the rain. My daughter watched me from inside, she was amazed I was working in the shower. Mum! Come in! You hate getting wet. [Unusual to go out in the rain and to do hands on gardening work]. Libido normal now. (day 9)
Feel energised. Her husband says she’s more irritable and nagging (about house chores). (day 10)
I still feel positive. Plenty of energy, inner peace and inner glow. (day 11)
I want to decorate the living room in oranges and yellows. Usually I choose muted colours. [Had the urge to decorate for some months, but after remedy found the impetus to get on with it]. I felt a renewed desire to get things done. (day 13)
I had a strong urge to clean patio with a pressure hose. I have never done this before. I got dirty and mud splatted and some mud flew into my eye. Increased libido. (day 15)
I felt driven to get outstanding things done and make a start. (day 16)
Difficulty finding right words (names). Have concept of volcanoes and lava in my head. Maybe way off the beam, but it does fit in with all the fine images and impressions I saw earlier on. (day 20)
I feel on top of things even though I’m only getting 5-6 hours of sleep. Have felt a need for change especially house and garden. I feel more creative than for a long time. (day 21)
Significant bible reading about fire, earth, volcanoes and formation of precious substances within the earth.
On reflecting I feel the remedy has moved me to act on many things I was only thinking about. It has also awakened some creativity in me. I am now actively planning my living room which was only an idea before. Also, reflected it was the first time in 25 years that I’ve done some proper gardening – earth, soil, growing, creating. All new to me. (day 22)
Pre-proving symptom (8th of May):
As I concentrated on the remedy I saw in my inner sight lots of colours – reds and orange and bright lights and fire. Then when I got to Ralf’s house, all the walls were painted orange and it was decorated with little lights and he had candles. I wonder if it was a precognitive experience?
General feeling of well-being all day. A friend recommended a job to me and another a flat for sale. Felt very positive about both things. (Usually pessimistic and I wouldn’t tell anyone about it). Itchy fingers – I want to get on with them. Felt very healthy and happy in myself. No after-work stress or tiredness. Felt annoyed with boss, impatient, but didn’t let it get to me. (1st day)
Feel as if nothing’s bothering me or getting to me. Very calm within. Very busy day at work, rushed straight to see a flat after, but very relaxed and calm about the whole thing. Sorted out my holiday plans that I’d problems with booking accommodation – it seemed so easy. No stress. Can’t wait to get the job application and fill it in. (1st day)
My husband has noticed that I’m a lot ‘cooler’ and that I don’t ‘babble on’ as much! Apparently I was talking less and not dominating the conversation as usual. I’m doing my job and sorting out my life at the same time! Looking into a mortgage, the job application has arrived and I want to get on with it. Still very calm. No anger – normally I’d snap at husband daily, but I haven’t for 3 days now. (2nd day)
Still laid back and positive, but maybe wearing off a bit? Still no anger with husband. Didn’t react as I usually would to a friend badmouthing me – just let it go. Annoyed but didn’t act on it. (4th day)
Still no anger. Very confident in social gathering, being centre of attention and loved it! Very unusual. Driving the car I realised I wasn’t concentrating and was driving very slowly – 20 mph. Had to keep snapping back to reality. Felt as if I shouldn’t be driving the car. (5th day)
Still calmer than usual, but high energy, expressed as restlessness. Felt should exercise but couldn’t be bothered to. Can’t concentrate, get up and walk about every 5 minutes. Found myself wanting to punch things to get the restlessness out. Feels like a positive energy. (6th day)
Still in good happy mood. Relaxed and calm. Still not snapped at partner. I’m finding things I thought I’d lost and in places I thought I’d looked before. (7th day)
Feel like I’m in a world of my own and not with it. It’s taking me longer to do my work. I could sit and stare for ages with no thoughts. Slow and methodical with work instead of slapdash. (NS) Feel as if I have lots of time, not hurried. Doing things slowly, don’t answer people immediately. (8th day)
Convinced it’s Thursday (it’s Wednesday), still very confused and not really with it. 2 others at work also got the day wrong. Attended training course and volunteered to get up in front of everyone – not like me to be so bold. Spent evening by myself in house and felt very happy and at ease which is unusual when on own. Liked being alone. (9th day)
Relaxed on flight to Germany, despite it being the worst flight I’ve ever experienced – circling around in a thunderstorm. Others were crying, but no panicky feelings and didn’t feel as if something bad would happen. (11th day)
Much less worried about things than usual – such as people dying and sister going away. (16th day)
Attended a training course and during break I filled in the silences during group conversation – would normally keep quiet with strangers.
Argued with husband over money matters – normal. Husband has noticed that I am more ‘back to normal’, less relaxed and calm. Much less affected emotionally by things – haven’t cried, e.g. Didn’t cry at E.R., or with a friend who was upset. (17th day)
Overall impression During the proving I felt less stuck in my situation in life, less guilty and aware about abortion, my fear of death and something terrible happening was much less intense. I was far more confident, especially in social situations. I was happy to be on my own. I dealt with things I wouldn’t normally deal with. I wanted more of a challenge and I still feel this way.
Within an hour or two the feeling of unreality started. It feels there’s a gap between me and the world. A dream state almost. (day 1)
Feeling of strangeness. I wanted to leave my work, anything but work. I wanted to go out, get drunk. Did my work as if in a dream. (day 1)
Fine today. All fine today. Everything well today. Everything’s going really well. (day 2)
I started to forget things. Tried to book an appointment with my hairdresser who left 5 years ago. I keep forgetting day to day things. (day 3)
I felt really sentimental. Impatience, anger, weeping. Time doesn’t exist. Playing old records, tears pouring down my face for my old life with the gypsies. Nostalgia for my old life. My old freedoms. (day 4)
Watching videos when I should be working. Couldn’t be bothered to go out as planned. (day 5)
Emotionally unfeeling. Nastily impatient. Emotional coldness. Insulting and angry. Argumentative, refused to discuss it. Couldn’t remember where I parked the car. Feeling physically and emotionally in the arctic: Coldness. (day 6)
Sadness, regretted my anger. (day 7)
Time is a vague entity. Desire to be in a timeless, formless continuum. Time is not my master. Craving for my happy days where there was no time, no urgency, no restrictions. I wanted to go back to those old days. A very strong craving for the old freedoms. (day 8)
Emotionally I feel good, I have calmed down a lot. (day 10)
Dream-like unreality. (day 12)
I’m reliving old relationships and habits. Going back over things I’d done to people. Looking at themes from an objective point of view. Feeling afraid of permanent relationships. Remembering past events. On the outside looking in. Detached. A period of reflection, almost like therapy. Paralysing fear of losing love. Unusual feeling of fear. (day 14)
Things of the past. Thinking about my childhood. A deep bring out. Observing things about myself with detachment. (day 15)
Feeling good and clear, accepting of old issues. Waiting to see, accepting. (day 16)
Accident. Had bike accident while cycling home (took Arnica 4 times 200c, then 1M). Not knowing what to do with my relationships. They can look after themselves, it’s me I have to decide for. Clear now, unreality gone. (day 17)
Felt calmer, less stressed, less irritable with children. Better self esteem. Feel more solid and equal in dealing with people. More confident.
At bedtime images of colours, crystals, moving lights, bubbling and water falling into each other. Used to have it as a child. (day 1)
Highly stressed, as normal. In a group where I teach I let them lead, the students, and I wanted to be a group member, not a leader. (day 1)
Much calmer and kinder with the children. Benevolent and loving towards them. Not rushing to get ready like usual. Girlish feeling. Excited as if something good is going to happen. Empathising, sympathetic with others. Cried with them. [note: This continued throughout the proving]. Driving the car, felt disorientated. Nice floaty feeling. Accompanied by headache and sore eyes. After 15 minutes of driving felt like I was driving too close to the ground. (day 2)
While cleaning (which I decided to do and is rare and unusual) the cupboards felt dizzy and clumsy; knocked over things (with back of my eyes sore). With sensation of being taller than normal – only lasted half a minute. The ground looked far away. (day 2)
Strong urge to be creative. Crystals seemed glorious and magical to look at. A girlish sense of wonder and visual delight. More sensitive to colours and light of crystals. Wanted to play with the children. Intoxicated with the absence of worries, floaty and happy. Didn’t want the pressure of doing things for others out of politeness. Wanted to be with my children (At other times I would be polite and stressful). Wanted to take pressure and stress out of myself and my family. Realised how much pressure I’ve been putting myself and the children under. [note: This continued through the proving increasing in intensity]. I strongly want the house very tidy (more so than normal) and will tidy now. (day 2)
The same continued desire to be relaxed and alone with the children. I am slowing down. I feel a bit floppy today – don’t feel like making much of an effort with people like I normally do.
The answer phone is full of messages and I’m normally diligent about trying to get back top people soon. I don’t want to feel under pressure to do this.
Feel like I’ve put myself under too much pressure to maintain social s, friendships. I just want to relax and take my time. I’m slowing down – in less of a rush, mentally and physically.
Had great fun playing with the kids for an hour. Horseplay, rough and tumble – don’t usually let myself go like this with them. I was giggling and laughing with them. Feels free and relaxed. Had arranged to take some friends to a small social gathering in Todmordon. The kid’s dad didn’t turn up to see them as arranged and normally I’d be in a state of anxiety and rage (because I’d arranged to go out), but I was very calm, not angry, not too stressed and took the children with me (which wasn’t ideal but ok).
At the small party I was MUCH more at ease than normal in this situation – felt no desire to impress or fit in – was just myself. When it was 3 of us left at the end I even farted loudly and laughed at it!
The brake shoes of my car have gone which meant I had to drive very slowly. It forced me to slow down as I normally zip everywhere in a rush. (day 3)
Relaxed like on holiday. I want the house to be tidy, but I’m not anxiously doing it in a rush as before, just calmly, steadily. I want to feel like this all the time. Still on top of things, not neglectful, just relaxed. I hope this remedy lasts! (day 4)
Dread the thought of going to work on Wednesday to lead the singing workshop again. Don’t want to do it – would rather go to someone else’s workshop, feel slightly inadequate to lead. Conversely, looked forward to doing my other work – writing music for adverts etc. Creating something from nothing. Feel good about my relationship with my co-writer (after feeling insecure for a few months). Feel like I’ve got more to contribute. (day 5)
I’m less anxious and pressurised – very markedly so. Don’t think I’ve ever felt his way. (day 6)
More relaxed round friends than usual. Feel closer to them and more at ease. (day 9)
Painted a room purple and green and turquoise. Desire for these colours. Feel generally more mentally/emotionally flexible than before, less rigid. Can adapt more to changes in plans etc. (day 11)
Took kids to fair. Felix scared of going down big bouncy slide so I took my shoes off and joined him. Had a whale of a time. Would normally be too inhibited to do this. Again, reminded me of girlhood.
Pretty calm even though car broke down on way to Liverpool and I was late. (day 12)
Sense of perspective on my own life – feeling of being a small drop in big interconnected ocean and how short life is, how unimportant the self is. Positive feeling. Acceptance of what I can’t change, patience, not struggling, but waiting until time is right. [Big improvement]. (day 13)
Increased ability of becoming absorbed in the task at hand. Increased ability to fully concentrate, rather than give something partial attention. (day 14)
Another excellent day with co-writer. Met lots of big-shot directors and don’t feel fazed – felt equal, valid and confident with the music we’d delivered them. Again, it felt almost dangerous to let my mind wander as I’d have to be called back almost. It’s like my mind is totally focussed 100% on whatever, i.e. better focus. Entering into thoughts more fully and deeply, not half-heartedly or absently.
Really enjoyed singing workshop. Gave talk at start about focus and not chattering etc. Felt affectionate towards them all. (day 15)
Lovely day. Went out with my ex for his birthday. Enjoyed his and others’ company – again, more at ease. Had fun, because more at ease with myself. (day 16)
Have agreed to be ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ at the Trafford Centre tomorrow for £80! Have to wear a huge furry costume and play ‘Puff’ on the melodica. I’d like to blame this freak occurrence on the remedy. It’s not the sort of thing I do! Did it out of a sense of ‘Ah, what the hell!’ ‘I only live once’, ‘it’ll be a laugh’ etc. I’m definitely less rigid and more spontaneous than before. Less critical of self and others. Bought fish tank and fish for children. Spent time watching the colours glinting in the water and the light. (day 17)
Had a fabulous time being ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’. Really enjoyed making kids happy, cuddling them, pretending to be shy when they were etc. Totally got into character and want to do it again.